She felt like she was drowning, being pulled under by waves. Except the sea wasn’t made of water. It was made of hopelessness and despair. No matter how fast she could swim, the dark flood always pulled her back inside.
I wanted to write down exactly what I felt. But somehow, the paper stayed empty. And I could not have described it any better.
“So that’s it then? You make me fall for you without the intention of catching me, I let you in and trusted you with all my heart and you just abandoned me like it never meant a thing, you expect me to just be able to go on with my life like nothing ever happened, like there was never an ‘us’ back to where we started…As strangers.”
“You really want to know what happened to us? I was sick of dealing with all your confusion. Half of the time what we had was amazing. You gave me butterflies and I was so comfortable around you. But that was only half the time. One day you loved me and the next it was like you couldn’t even stand to be around me. I opened my eyes, and realized that I don’t deserve someone like you and honestly, I feel sorry for the next girl because she will be left broken like I was.”
I’m not a graceful person. I am not a Sunday morning or a Friday sunset. I am a Tuesday 2 a.m. , I am gunshots muffled by a few city blocks. I am a broken window during February. My bones crack on a nightly basis. I fall from elegance with a dull thud, and I apologize for my awkward sadness. I sometimes believe that I don’t belong around people, that I belong to all the leap days that didn’t happen. The way light and darkness mix under my skin, it has become a storm. You don’t see the lightning, but you hear the echoes.
I didn’t fall in love with his body. I didn’t fall in love with his jokes or our similarities or his pets, or his favourite songs. Those were all well and good but they weren’t enough to capture my heart.
In truth I think I fell in love with the way he fell in love with me. The glow in his eyes, when he looked into mine and the smile he wore in my presence. Drunk off the sensation of being loved; I came to adore the simple beauty of being adored in return.